So you are essentially shouldering some/all of the responsibility for the brother's alcoholism upon the OP. That's a big burden to carry, and potentially dangerous + damaging if it is not true.
You're taking a wild guess with that comment, you have no idea, and (maybe unintentionally) your sentence doesn't ask if that could be the answer - you state it as the case (the words 'if' or 'maybe' would have been better here).
When people are looking for answers they can read into the linguistics of things very carefully. What you wrote was very powerful and without any facts or evidence to back it up.
I would be sad if the OP, who already clearly feels worried about the situation, started taking responsibility for this mess that actually wasn't his doing or responsibility.
I'd be even more sad if he gave up his startup and moved home when it turns out none of the trigger factors for the brothers alcoholism have anything to do with him. Many people just self-destruct and even if the alcoholic brother is missing his distant brother that doesn't make it wrong for distant brother to live abroad.
No, I'm asking if he thinks that may be the case.
People do the weirdest things to get the attention of others, including getting in to trouble.
> I would be sad if the OP gave up his startup and moved home for this. Many people just self-destruct and even if the alcoholic brother is missing his distant brother that doesn't make it wrong for distant brother to live abroad.
It's not your life, it's his so there is noting for you to be sad about, whichever decision he makes, and whatever the outcome.
As for the linguistics, I'm not an English native speaker/writer but I though that it was pretty clear that I did not intend to suggest that he is at fault for his brothers drinking, that's a ridiculous suggestion to begin with. Everybody is responsible for their own lives.
But, I really do want to help my brother, which may involve some compromises.
Have you considered that he's drinking because it brings out the brother in you?
I've never looked at it that way, but if that's the case, me being near him may help.
Fortunately my brother is not in to stuff like that.
It's really tough, and one of those things that you have to deal with as an emigrant that is not in the playbook.
Do you have more brothers? If you do can they be of assistance somehow? Does your brother look up to you, see you as a role model? Does he have good friends?
It's tough. My dad was an all-out alcoholic, he drank more than anybody that I've ever seen, before or after, and on top of that he was violent when drunk. It gave me a fantastic warning about what kind of an effect alcohol can have on people and as a result I never drank a drop.
So I really feel for you, but if it turns out that you can't make a difference don't be too hard on yourself.
good luck!
I don't have more brothers, but there are a few family members around my brother to help and support him. However, the generation gap is a problem. He does relate best to me and look up to me as a bit of a role model. He doesn't really have any good friends, not any that he hangs out with.
Sorry to hear about your dad and glad that you took a positive lesson from his life.
Thanks for your help.
The 12-step world has all sorts of theories about these behaviors, under the titles "codependency" or "enabling" or "rescuing" or "detachment". I can't say for sure whether they're right but someone struggling with these issues, like the OP, may want to familiarize themselves with that literature. A reasonably-sized bookstore will have a large section of books about dealing with alcoholism, as a drinker/alcoholic/friend/child/sibling/parent/spouse/adult-child/stepsibling/etc, in every permutation.
That too is a possibility, but not a certainty. That is exactly what makes these things so hard.
> As you noted in your first comment, maybe "he's drinking because it brings out the brother in you".
Yes, but I have absolutely no idea if that is the case or not, and even with my own brother (Maurice, 12 years my junior) I'd have a very hard time to figure that one out. Let alone that I could know which way that coin landed for someone else. I haven't a clue, to be frankly. But I thought that saying that might open the OPs eyes to some of the weirder possibilities.
In the end almost all addictions are a from of escape, the question is from what and why and if it can change, and the first step will have to come with recognising there is a problem, which for the moment the OPs brother does not seem to agree with. So that makes it a very complicated and tricky situation.
Unfortunately alcohol addiction is a subject that strikes pretty close to home for me and I could tell you some stories that would make your hair stand on end. This also means that I may not be the most rational person when looking at this as an issue, personally I'm instantly more worried about the brothers nearest family (wife, kids and so on) than the brother himself. Scars like that heal only very slowly.
What I'm going to say next is going to sound dreadful. Being there may help - may well help - but you've got to be prepared, because if you aren't, it won't. Love is not enough. Alcoholism is an illness.
Have you considered that he's drinking because it brings out the brother in you?