fixed it for you.
I discovered Google Play's App Store on someone else's phone, that was painful and stressful. But what you are describing seems hellish.
I wanted to get a PCAP from an app a few nights ago, I was surprised it was possible without root. Now there are apps that can act as a VPN to sniff traffic. Having the most up to date firmware and Google Fi's international rates are worth giving up root to me.
It would be nice if they built in secure root access interface to Android though.
If you rein in the notifications (ie. switch them all off), use Firefox with uBlock Origin (or Firefox Focus) and avoid using apps with obnoxious ads (or switch to the paid versions), Android as of 2017 is quite nice.
On behalf of the Linux community, no need to thank us, you're welcome.