If it wasn't against the law, I'd send him a few cases of Scotch.

By which I mean, I'd chip in to calm him down. I'll buy him a gently used Toyota, tomorrow, if it means he will settle down. I'm not even kidding. I'd even take him at his word. Hell, set up a PayPal account, and make it legal, and I'll send him money every month that he doesn't harass his neighbors. I'm pretty sure I'm not the only one.

Hmm... We should crowdsource Un's Scotch fund. I'm only partially kidding.