And he's a thief. He wants to steal everything your future could be, will be, and replace it with nothing.
As a Christian, I can look at those moments of shame and regret, and say "Yes, that was wrong. I failed. I hurt people. But it's forgiven. Paid for. Totally, completely, willingly paid for." And then I can remember, once again, to forgive myself.
But I don't wrestle with the salesman like you do, so I can't claim that it will help you. I think it will, but I can't really say.
Stay alive, friend. Stay alive (and well).
I can relate to it, and just remember that salesman is a fucking arsehole who is trying to cheat you out of some pretty awesome moments.
Also: your profile text is hilariously out of date.
Tell that fucker to fuck off. You don't have to listen to him. Focus on here and now. The past is gone. Enjoy your life right here right now.
"I'm not dead" probably ranks highly. I am sometimes cast into a tournament against a patient, relentless salesman for death. The problem is, he knows everything about me. Everything. Every thought, every recollection, every secret shame, every regret. Everyone I've ever hurt, how I hurt them, how I let them down, how I failed them.
And he can, in a moment of pain, turn all of those into an impulse that I have to remind myself is just a feeling and even while I do that he's whispering "is it?".
Most of the time I am OK. But I know that I my emotions can just overwhelm me so suddenly and completely that it scares me. I am still learning how to live with me.
He'll probably make his sale in the end.
But I'm alive.