> The mistake was to see herself as the primary victim from day 1...

Except if you read the entire article, she says that she didn't at first see this as harassment, only as an embarrassing situation. It was only after the harassment and intimidation escalated that she looked back to see where it really began.

> ...rather than a beneficiary of unearned perks. The empathy she demands for herself...

Your entire post comes across as something one of her harassers would write in retaliation, and this in particular sticks out. If a woman doesn't want white knights to come to her rescue, that's her prerogative, not for you or anyone else to dictate, and it's certainly not a character flaw or an excuse for continued harassment and intimidation.

There are definitely multiple sides to this, like any story. Your imaginary account of the other side does strike me as presumptuous. You were not there, but you do feel entitled to paint a picture of what could have happened.

It's like saying to somebody who said they got beat up in the park, that there is another side to their story: they were provoking the other party, and when they got into a fight they didn't run.

So... second guessing someone's retelling of a completely sober, undoubtedly career impacting scenario (one way or another) in the workplace is equivalent to second guessing someone's retelling of a drunken haze of a night?

It's folly to think that the same level and style of scrutiny need be applied to both. You aren't wrong to paint the alternate picture for your friend's case, but it's sidestepping the issue in question (e.g., potential harassment in the workplace) to attempt to make that equivalency here.

Yes, my point is that it's completely reasonable to second guess stories we hear. It's a normal, everyday behavior and one which gets us closer to the truth.

Due to her not being drunk I give her retelling more credibility, but that doesn't mean she should be unquestioningly believed.

Comments on divisive topics that go "I imagine" and "Sorry but" have a strong tendency to make these conversations worse.

You're indeed imagining a tremendous amount here, and projecting it into a situation you have no direct knowledge of. Well, we all can imagine a lot of things. This is not substantive contribution, it's borderline trolling. Please don't do this on HN.

Edit: you've also been using HN primarily for ideological rhetoric. That's an abuse of this site, and we ban accounts that do it, so please don't do that either.

It wasn't sexist for a man to jump to her defense. Sometimes people defend other people, irrespective of gender. Had it been a woman who'd come to her defense, that too could be criticized. Her department likely has more men. Blame statistics.

Edit: Actually, OP characterizes gesture by the dude defending her as "sexist".(Above opinion stands.)

From the article:

>One day, one of my supervisors jumped to my defense at a team event, in an awkward display of sexism.

I apologize. I read the article, but overlooked that. It's an odd comment for her to make -- and one I'd be curious to know her explanation for.

It sounds like she was rather obviously being white knighted, in a situation where it was clear to her and her coworkers that it was inappropriate. Which then started the problem that her coworkers saw her as favored. (My reading)

Bingo ! :-)

  A man jumped to her defense, which was sexism, and then her co-workers got resentful, which she wanted to be defended from but wasn't, and that was sexism too

I would argue, quite strongly, that you're not in a position to make that call.

Being a privileged, white male it was hard for me to see what woman are put through in terms of casual sexism in the workplace and in society.

Since my girlfriend works as a secondary school teacher I see much clearer what's wrong and it's partially very subtle.

Here's an example: performance review? Criticism about how she dresses. This would never come up with one her male colleagues (and yes, she checked).

That's totally casual sexism over which you may "harumph!" about. But unless you're a woman (or another discriminated against minority) you're in no position to make that determination.

It is indeed easy as a white male to miss the sexism and racism. It's only by being empathic and actually listen to victims that you learn to see it.

If you dismiss accounts of victims or try to second-guess them like happens so often (examples abound in these comments), it should be no wonder that victims are hesitant to bring these issues up.