"All they have to show for is an i3, the e-up!, the e-Golf, and basically a Mercedes Tesla."

Exactly - a pair of onion-parody electric car models (the kind of design you would come up with if you were trying to make fun of electric cars and the people who buy them).

I have no idea what the mercedes tesla is that you speak of - all I know of is the B class. Again, a bubbly e-car for people that aren't interested in cars.

What I want is either an electric A8 (having previously owned two gas A8s) or an electric Porsche Panamera. Two electric motors. Identical interior / cabin design.

I've been ready to throw money at that for 10 years now, as are, I suspect, many Tesla drivers.