"All they have to show for is an i3, the e-up!, the e-Golf, and basically a Mercedes Tesla."

Exactly - a pair of onion-parody electric car models (the kind of design you would come up with if you were trying to make fun of electric cars and the people who buy them).

I have no idea what the mercedes tesla is that you speak of - all I know of is the B class. Again, a bubbly e-car for people that aren't interested in cars.

What I want is either an electric A8 (having previously owned two gas A8s) or an electric Porsche Panamera. Two electric motors. Identical interior / cabin design.

I've been ready to throw money at that for 10 years now, as are, I suspect, many Tesla drivers.

It's gonna be hard to give up this sound: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=K0_GCuim9kY

Here's an idea, just play it over the sound system synced to wheel RPM.

If you put miles on your car, the gas and maintenance difference covers most to all of the difference. Especially if you get lesser deals to ride the upgrades in battery tech