I feel for those people, I do. But in this market, you can't get something which does the right thing, without hours doing the opposite of "automatic". Such an offering does not exist. You can live with a system that has various issues due to malware, or major updates breaking things you depended on, or get someone who did spend many many hours learning to spend a couple hours fixing your problems.

OS X isn't too bad of an approximation though, if you don't sign into iCloud, turn off spotlight integration with internet services (see the recent story about people's macs crashing due to a malformed response from the server!) and don't link your iPhone to a mac (or don't have one). Finally, don't update to the next release until just before it's replaced by another, e.g. don't upgrade from 10.10 to 10.11 until just before 10.12 is released (but do install security updates of course).

But then again ... you'd have to be a bit of an expert to know whether you could trust my advice, and if not, who to trust, especially since you'll definitely get contradicting advice from similarly-knowledgable-sounding people ... so you're ultimately on your own.