But what about the chucklehead fifteen feet away eating a sandwich, who just heard you reaffirm his belief that it's okay to call women whores, because they're not really people, right, just sex objects?
For you and your friend, that's fine. But this the sandwich eating bastard goes out and --secure in the knowledge that women don't get a say, because nobody around him uses language that suggests they do-- rapes someone, and doesn't think it's a big deal.
And there's that rape culture that people my age are always screaming about. And there's the hate culture that people my age are always screaming about.
We're not screaming about you, who are as annoying to us as we are to you. We're screaming about the people you're teaching by example. The ones who rape women (1 in 4 women have been raped in the US) and men (1 in 6), who murder gay and lesbian and bi and trans* folks (I don't have numbers there, mea culpa) and face no reprisal, because nobody in power takes it seriously.
Seriously. We get twitchy about those words because hearing them might mean that we're about to be killed.
I don't know why I react negatively, considering that I consider myself a feminist, but I suppose that's the whole point of something being 'instinctive'. It's a heuristic that may or may not make sense. But it's one borne of ignorance and the privilege of not having to think about these things (being a white, highly-educated male), and being surrounded by, I assume, upstanding males who don't rape, and upstanding white folk who are not racists.
it's posts like yours that remind me that my instincts can be wrong and harmful in practice, and while I'm free to feel as I feel, it's posts like yours, and stories from my friends, that shock me whenever I hear them, and that give me some perspective and make me realize my instinct is not a precious thing to protect or defend above everything else.
Please remember that it really helps to explain things the way you do. I'm not saying it's a responsibility to do so, or that not doing so gives 'us' the right to remain oblivious. Far from it.
I'm simply saying that practically speaking, posts like yours are much more helpful than blanket judgments and (perceived) knee-jerk outrage. It benefits everyone to try and paint a picture of a perspective that is not necessarily shared personally, however unnecessary it should be to do so.
I wish I was good enough to be sensitive all by myself, but the sad fact is that even I as a person with a sizable amount of close friends who are gay, bisexual, female, or minorities (in every sense of the word), can forget that not everyone shares my rather privileged perspective.
And it's really helpful for me to be reminded that, say, a rape joke might not be a problem for me, but that it might be a problem in a larger context where rapists justify their actions by it.
Oppressed groups sometimes reclaim slurs against them. That's fine, if it hurts anyone, it is merely themselves. It's not others hurting them.
In any case, I'm not arguing for anything in particular. I don't think there is a logic to this. My point is not about what words we can use.
My point is that anger and insurrection against systematic hate, cultures of intolerance, injustice are directed against the instruments of intolerance. But, rage and insurrection are not always nuanced tools especially in the hands of young people. They get mad at the words themselves, not just the hate. Sometimes it's fueled by the wrong thing, like enjoying moral platitudes. Sometimes by the right thing.
Either way, I think the net results are good.. essential even, but some of the side effects can be insufferable.