BigHatLogan

I'm working through something similar right now. I like your thought about shifting away from the fixed mindset. I'm also realizing a lot of this, maybe all of this, comes down to identity and ego.

I'm taking an evening class right now in computer science at a local university. Without mincing words, I am getting my ass kicked by it. Absolutely handed to me. It's proofs-based, and I don't have much of a background in this (even during my time in college back in the day, I didn't take these types of courses).

I'm getting stuck all the time, finding it hard to understand the lectures, and then avoiding studying altogether because it's not "clicking" for me. But if I'm being honest, what I'm doing above all is avoiding studying because of how painful it feels, and how much of my own identity as a "smart" person comes into question. I've never really had trouble with coursework, and would even say a lot of it came naturally to me, so from that I built up a little castle wall of an identity wherein I'm a "smart person who learns things easily."

Yet here I am unable to learn this easily at all. I'm discovering that I need to tweak my mindset and keep my identity smaller. Why do I have to be a smart person? Why can't I just be a person who wants to learn something that he's finding challenging? Is it helping me to belittle myself by telling myself that I "should" understand this quickly? Or is it just leading me to running away from the whole thing altogether, thereby worsening the situation?

Sorry for the rant / writeup. I'm processing all of this in real-time myself, and trying to get myself back to studying...

Thanks for writing this comment. You captured something in words that I was feeling as well, a longing for more friendship in my own life (assuming that's what you meant).

Really wonderful comment. Thanks for sharing. I've noticed myself spiraling into doom-and-gloom scenarios about the future of this job (and therefore my future), and I've found it really unhelpful and really unproductive, in the sense that it sort of narrows my mind into a tunnel vision of decreasing possibilities.

What is your repurposing plan, if you don't mind my asking? I am trying to think of alternatives too, but it's quite stressful.

Thanks for the response. When you say "one slice of the industry", is the suggestion to understand the core business of whatever I'm building instead of being the "specs to code" person? I guess this is where the advice starts to become fuzzy and vague for me.

I think you're right about trying to stay one step ahead of product requirements. Maybe my issue here is that I'm looking for another "path" where one might not exist, at least not a concretely defined one. From childhood to now, things were set in front of me and I just sort of did them, but now it feels like we're entering a real fog of war.

It would be helpful, as you suggest, to start shifting away from "I code based on concrete specs" to "I discover solutions for the business."

Thanks for the reply (and for the original essay). It has given me a lot to chew on.

Good write-up. I don't disagree with any of his points, but does anybody here have practical suggestions on how to move forward and think about one's career? I've been a frontend (with a little full stack) for a few years now, and much of the modern landscape concerns me, specifically with how I should be positioning myself.

I hear vague suggestions like "get better at the business domain" and other things like that. I'm not discounting any of that, but what does this actually mean or look like in your day-to-day life? I'm working at a mid-sized company right now. I use Cursor and some other tools, but I can't help but wonder if I'm still falling behind or doing something wrong.

Does anybody have any thoughts or suggestions on this? The landscape and horizon just seems so foggy to me right now.

Really well said. I would even go further and say that the "smart people with expertise" even disagree on matters like this and are operating on imperfect, vague information. Knowing that, it seems even more ridiculous to ask passersby about their opinion on this. Of course you can have an opinion, but keep in mind you're likely operating in 99% fog. Just my two cents.

You should write them down. I would love to read them, and I'm positive many others would, too. The 90s gaming scene is incredibly fascinating to read about, especially as it started to shift from the cowboy ethic to the corporate ethic (both have their pros and cons). I think I speak for a lot of us when I say we'd love to hear what you have to share.

Really enjoyed this comment--thanks for sharing. Game development really sounds like such a different beast from standard line-of-business programming. Always enjoy hearing stories about it and reading books about it (Masters of Doom comes to mind).

Thanks. I love that. #3 and #4 are helpful. I need to get out of the "This is the most important thing ever!" impulse when it arises. My mind goes into a complete overhaul in that direction, and I find the whole thing incredibly discomforting. I like what you said about having a list of things along with priorities. I'm trying to do that a little more--I call them "anchors", things you can sort of rally around when the impulses start firing uncontrollably. Thanks again--appreciate your response!

Thanks for the response. Really appreciate it. This is really helpful.

The existential need you mentioned is really powerful. Now that you mention it, the last time I felt really mentally aligned, well, and focused was when I was out of work. I also had a situation where people were depending on me, and it…it wasn’t perfect but it really filtered out a lot of these other thoughts and impulses. Maybe there’s something there about a goal that exists beyond ourselves. Good callout, I’d totally forgotten about that.

I hear you on the consistency. I’m trying that myself too. Just committing to a few actions even if my brain is completely working against me. Again, mixed results, but I’m finding that something is better than nothing, and that, like you said, success begets success.

Thanks for the suggestion! I tried this a decade ago, for something unrelated, and I recall it not having much of an effect, but if I’m being honest I don’t remember if I gave it enough time either.

It’s been circling around in my head for a few weeks now. This might be the kick in the ass I need to give it another go. The stuff you said about getting locked onto a topic is something I have a lot of trouble with. It’s been a little jarring for me to “realize” that you’re not really in control of your mind, just parts of it, and maybe fewer than we like to think. It can just have all these thoughts and patterns without your consent, so to speak. It’s the locking on / latching on that uproots me.

Cheers! Thank you for the link. I will give this a watch this evening. I’ve enjoyed a lot of Rich’s podcast guests in the past actually.

Can you share how you got through this period and found alignment? I’m going through something similar to what you’ve described. Not the hospital situation—I’m sorry to hear about your mom—but more so the thoughts darting rapidly on their own. I can’t seem to get ahold of them either, and I notice it getting worse. Lots of intrusive thoughts, lots of “open cycles” that cause me mental strain, lots of down cycles too. If you could share, I’m curious how you channeled it into something positive and grew* as a result.

Wow, what a perfect description—“impulses happening erratically in my mind.” I’ve been trying to…get to the root of this in my own life lately. I also find myself writing feverishly during these states. I call them “soft manic” states, soft because I know that mania is a real thing, and so I don’t want to co-opt that term completely.

I had one this past weekend actually. I ended up writing about 15-20,000 words, but most of it doesn’t make any sense. I mean the sentences and paragraphs do, but there’s no coherence to any of it. “Impulses on the mind”, like you said. They’re really affecting my day to day life. I’ll have a period where I feel content and motivated—about my job, for example—and then I’ll have a sharp drop off where, sometimes for days, I’ll find myself in one of these down cycles.

In fact I’m unsure if anything I’ve even said makes sense. How have you dealt with these mental impulse?

Well said! I was thinking something along these lines--that there must be some sort of correlation between physical health and mental sharpness. Maybe that's why professors are typically fairly lean.

Thanks. That's good advice. I have noticed a tendency to shy away from things more often lately--when I'm diving into one of our legacy systems at work, for example, if I come across something I don't understand, I immediately start to get frustrated, panicked, and look for a way to get this assignment off my back. Spending a bit more time not knowing, and more time diving in, might be the better approach here.

Appreciate it. I was thinking of reading more books, too, but it might be better to think about what I want to achieve, as you mentioned. It's all quite vague in my head. I just feel a lot more mentally sluggish / sloppy than I used to when I was younger. I get the feeling my 20-year-old self would run [mental] circles around me. Who am I kidding--physical ones too!

You may be onto something here--I definitely have slipped in taking care of the whole organism. My sluggishness might be a symptom of that.

Heavy books and scientific papers about anything I find interesting? Or about things in my work domain?

Yeah, I do wonder how much of this is "smartphone-induced" sometimes. I can almost "feel" my brain growing increasingly sluggish by the day...maybe a break is in order.

Yeah, I'm thinking of slicing and dicing it up for some sort of combination here if that's possible (there are others involved in this vacation). Thanks--that's a good idea to explore. But yes, you're right: my gut is saying just to scrap the whole thing, but I've always been way too much of an overthinker*, not necessarily with good outcomes lol.

Yeah, that's a good point. I'm "guessing" if I'm on the chopping block, the vacation won't make or break it either way.

Thanks. Yeah in my head it seems crazy that something like a 7 business day vacation would put a target on my back, but I'm still stressed about it nonetheless. Thanks for the input though.

That's the problem--I could see myself doing both :( Guess I have to make a decision soon

Buying this off the strength of your recommendation. That sounds exactly like what the doctor ordered. I'm getting worse at expressing myself the older I'm getting, and I'm finding it impairing my personal life, work life, social situations, etc. Will give this one a read--thank you!

That was excellent. He found what he absolutely loved to do early in his life, and then managed to keep doing it until death came knocking. May we all be so lucky! RIP.