Aaaaaannnd... this is the number two reason Lisp's are not more successful (number one being the syntax, although that is somewhat related). Instead of helping to solve your problem, advocates (and the reference documents, "tutorials") want to engage in academic chest beating exercises.

How hard is it just to acknowledge, just a teeny bit, that PHP is more successuful than Lisp for real reasons -- not just because everyone but you is an idiot. That's nice that you think the string library is appalling. Perhaps it is -- but jesus, how do you even get work done with an attitude like that? Do you write everything you do from scratch?

Go write a graduate paper on the perfect string library and others can get real work done.