It's obvious that it wouldn't work.

The EU cannot tell Britain that free movement of people is essential enough to see them leave the Union, but then hand it to Switzerland, just because they ask nicely.

Those bilaterals with Switzerland are not some totally unrelated treaties, they are more like "EU membership light".

Yes, the EU needs the UK and Switzerland, and they both don't want to commit fully to it in one way or another (like the UK not using the Euro - good for them btw)

True, they can't let CH slip on that, at the same time, they'll probably do come with a compromise (or look the other way in some aspects)

We kind of need Britain, although not absolutely.

Switzerland? You're joking, right? Nobody wants to hurt Switzerland, or give them a hard time, but if they turn away, the reaction will mostly be a shrug.