Very good overview, so let me just nitpick this:

    PHP: [...] It also has top-notch documentation.

It has not. It is accessible, it has always been easy to find everything in it, but it is very far from thourough. You need to hunt for user comments for implementation details in the interpreter that actually influences your script's behavior.

With that said, I've sort of came to peace with PHP and use it willingly at work. (JavaScript is the industry's arch enemy now.)