At first glance, I was like "cool", let me check this out. Thinking about it a bit, I was wondering if this would ever pass a code review from my peers.

Probably not.

A Hash with values that are procs/lambdas? Seems like you are halfway to recognizing that you need an object.

But if you are having fun coding, that's all that matters, until you do a pull request with that in it ;)