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Re:Dear HN — if php blogging platforms are junk, what do you... by sadanapalli on Wednesday March 05, 2014 @06:20AM (#7346377)
I would suggest Octopress/Jekyll framework to serve static web pages from a VPS such as DigitalOcean/linode. You may as well use Github Pages to host your web pages if that meets your needs.

This will meet many of your needs listed.

Re:Dear HN — if php blogging platforms are junk, what do you... by allwein on Wednesday March 05, 2014 @08:31AM (#7346800)
Wanted to throw in a second vote for Jekyll. It's pretty easy to setup, and nothings lower-load than straight HTML serving.