The first one is asking what the three felonies are. You see, when you were born your parents were sent a National Security Letter (NSL) by the government that stated you can never ask about the three felonies. Unfortunately, the NSL came with a gag order, so your parents never told you. But you definitely shouldn't ask what the three felonies are.

The second felony is owning a computer which can be used to circumvent content protection mechanisms. You can address this by purchasing a fixed-function device which cannot be used to circumvent content protection. I suggest an etch-a-sketch.

The third felony is