I'm not admitting to doing anything wrong.

I'm taking my role in my own food production and consumption with the weight it deserves. I'm further accepting my role in the food cycle, and realizing that things die at every stage of food production- even "vegan" food production, whether it's insects that must be removed from crops, animals displaced by tillage, fertilizers made from fish emulsion, and the squirrels that the semi trucks run over on their way to deliver pallets of Veggie Burgers to Whole Foods... and deciding that all things considered, meat is possible, ethically and at a lower environmental impact than the alternatives.

But when you say it's the "hardest thing in the world," what does that mean? Why is it hard?

If someone can kill an animal that they've raised from birth and cared for each day- without wincing, without feeling it in their heart for days- I don't want to buy meat from that person.

I apologize for belaboring the point here, but... you're avoiding answering the question about why it's hard, why you have these feelings.

To be more direct: I can't help but think that the reason you have these feelings is that you feel guilt for doing something wrong in regards to the animal(s) in question. I think I've had similar feelings, after learning what goes on in typical farms, and my ultimate reaction to that emotion has been to be vegan as much as I can. So I'm just trying to wrap my head around what your reaction is.

(FWIW, I feel compelled to say that I understand the opportunity to be vegan is a privilege. One that I am able to afford in the city where I live. I don't begrudge anyone who can't be vegan due to lack of access to reasonable vegan options.)