I don’t live in a red state so we have a bizarrely low minimum.

The U.S. Federal minimum wage is $7.25/hr. Some states or localities might have higher minimums, but it's been a long time since I've seen any jobs paying that little. McDonald's here is about $15/hr to start and jobs go begging. CoL here is not the lowest but it's not like a major urban center either.

You haven’t been to the shithole south if you believe this.

There plenty of idiots there making 2 dollars an hour and tips and thinking they’re doing well because “at least my CoL is low!”