Re:Ask HN: How do you deal with alienation?
by gojomo on Friday January 16, 2009 @04:51AM
(#436388)
You may want to reexamine potentially self-limiting assumptions:
I always feel like the odd one out -- you may be partially imagining this 'odd man out' status; also, others you see as 'close knit' may feel just as tenuously connected as you do.
my close friends [are not] a social group... they are all from different groups and aren't friends with each other -- have they met? what if you made them a group around you?
I can't [talk on a wide variety of subjects] with anyone I know -- are you sure? what happens if you try? maybe they are so nervous about going off-script they're sticking to safe topics, too, and would welcome a change.
The peer groups I see are all so specialized... none of them are generally interested in everything -- are you sampling all peer groups? do you see them in all their expressions? is there a chance you've defined 'peer group' as 'sharing narrow common interests', and thus it's impossible for you to see other kinds of peer groups, even right in front of you?
I can recognize the flaws in how I handle friendships -- what if you're misdiagnosing the issues?
I don't have much hope in [waiting until college] -- consider the possibility 'everyone' else is right in ther advice, and those people who don't find close friends in the contrived HS environment do find them in college and other non-HS activities.
'The map is not the territory'; your analysis may have prematurely converged on counterproductive (but self-reinforcing) conclusions.
Stepping away from your exact words: you seem to think of friend groups almost like formal clubs, that preexist, with clear memberships and standards, that have to invite new people in.
Try instead the assumption that they are all ad hoc, popping in and out of existence, with ever-changing memberships, and open to anyone who shows up. You belong the moment you decide you belong, and others will assume you're 'in' unless you take explicit steps to opt out.
I always feel like the odd one out -- you may be partially imagining this 'odd man out' status; also, others you see as 'close knit' may feel just as tenuously connected as you do.
my close friends [are not] a social group... they are all from different groups and aren't friends with each other -- have they met? what if you made them a group around you?
I can't [talk on a wide variety of subjects] with anyone I know -- are you sure? what happens if you try? maybe they are so nervous about going off-script they're sticking to safe topics, too, and would welcome a change.
The peer groups I see are all so specialized... none of them are generally interested in everything -- are you sampling all peer groups? do you see them in all their expressions? is there a chance you've defined 'peer group' as 'sharing narrow common interests', and thus it's impossible for you to see other kinds of peer groups, even right in front of you?
I can recognize the flaws in how I handle friendships -- what if you're misdiagnosing the issues?
I don't have much hope in [waiting until college] -- consider the possibility 'everyone' else is right in ther advice, and those people who don't find close friends in the contrived HS environment do find them in college and other non-HS activities.
'The map is not the territory'; your analysis may have prematurely converged on counterproductive (but self-reinforcing) conclusions.
Stepping away from your exact words: you seem to think of friend groups almost like formal clubs, that preexist, with clear memberships and standards, that have to invite new people in.
Try instead the assumption that they are all ad hoc, popping in and out of existence, with ever-changing memberships, and open to anyone who shows up. You belong the moment you decide you belong, and others will assume you're 'in' unless you take explicit steps to opt out.