> Writing about the best essay implies there is such a thing, which pseudo-intellectuals will dismiss as reductive, though it follows necessarily from the possibility of one essay being better than another.

Preemptive dismissal of any criticism of the idea of a best essay is stupid. In particular, even though I buy the "possibility of one essay being better than another", the criteria for ordering will be necessarily subjective.

As someone who has read many essays in the European tradition (Montaigne, Sartre, etc.), I cannot bring myself to see the essays by E. B. White, for example, to be superior in any sense. Yet, I know that White's essays are held in high-regard in this part of the world. This points to the fact that there is no universal ordering function for essays, which mostly invalidates Graham's argument above.

Note also that "pseudo-intellectuals" is ad hominem.

Jesus Christ, Anselm’s ontological argument but for essay quality? Is he making a joke?

"...though it follows necessarily from the possibility of one essay being better than another."

This is false unless you further assume that "better than" is a total order.