Re:Ask HN: _How to get past “saving face” or other cultural ...
by solardev on Friday August 11, 2023 @05:26PM
(#37094247)
(Not an expert, but was partially raised in a Chinese-derivative culture)
It's not clear whether you are working for a Chinese company (like a team of foreigners working for a Chinese corp?) or are you a Western company (based out of where/which culture?)?
What's your team makeup like, outside of this one person? Is it cross-cultural from many different countries, or are the rest of you all from the same culture and this one person is the odd man out?
If everyone else is from the same culture, maybe you can use that as an excuse and gently approach him 1 on 1, off the record, and not about the problem itself but to just chat about the underlying cultural differences? Maybe even over a beer or some similarly "casual" outing, if your company culture allows for that.
You can start the conversation just with some honest humility: "Hey, I was thinking about our conversation last time, and I realized I don't fully understand your side of the story either. I need your help. It's my first time handling such a situation, and I'm not sure if I understand all the cultural implications here. Will you help me understand? What would happen in your culture with a similar situation? Maybe there are some assumptions I've made in my head, unconsciously, that could use some thought."
There are entire books written on this topic (cross cultural comms and businesses) that might be worth reading/skimming, but they often center around removing blame/fault (it's not any one person or culture who's right or wrong, it's two sides working towards a common goal), nonviolent communications (asserting your own experience but giving the other person room to state theirs, once comfortable, without projecting your own assumptions onto theirs) and then finding common ground with shared needs/desires, etc.
This takes a lot of active listening and empathy, but it might work better than going at it headfirst? Like rather than insisting "you were wrong, why don't you get it, what do we have to do to make you understand", something like "how would this have played out where you were from?", "how do people learn and grow best, in your personal experience?", "what do you think is the best way to resolve this sort of situation?" etc. It's not about blame or who was right or wrong, but in reaching a common understanding that balances the company's needs (like for a certain code style or whatever) with individual needs for dignity, self-respect, etc. Make it collaborative, don't pull rank (i.e. explain the merit of doing things a certain way, rather than just insisting "we do it this way just cuz we do, shut up and listen"). If he asks legitimate questions (like about readability) than address them honestly and patiently.
That is, if you actually value this employee and and a collaborative team culture and don't want him on the defensive. A direct approach may work in other cultures, but if it's not working with this employee and his culture, then don't keep pushing that way if it's just backfiring.
Even the Confucius wise master thing... you can directly address that too. "When I told you these things, it was because that's what worked in my experience. But I'm not always right either, and when I'm not, you should feel free to discuss it. Doesn't matter if I'm your boss or coworker. In my culture we try to emphasize the actual idea over who said it, and it's OK to challenge it. But instead of authority, you have to use evidence to convince the others. It might seem disrespectful at first, but thought of another way, it's also a way of showing respect for the other person's intelligence and reasonableness. From what I know of Chinese culture, it doesn't work quite the same way there. But since we are working in this environment, I don't think we can make the rest of the company and country change their ways, so we have to find some way to work within it. What do you think is a good way to approach that so different teammates can work together effectively despite cultural differences?"
That lays out the issue, acknowledges their need for face (self-respect), but also plays to their collectivist tendencies (we do this for team harmony, not because you're wrong) in a non-judgmental way. This isn't just a cop-out feel-good reply, but an honest rethinking of the situation: is this person slow because he's just a bad worker (you don't know that yet) or is he being slowed down by a cultural misunderstanding that, once resolved, could boost productivity and morale for the whole team?
Keep in mind that as in any culture, individual differences still apply and there's no guarantee such a strategy will work. A humble person might appreciate your time and candor. A proud person might feel it to be condescending. But at the end of the day all you can do is give it a good-faith effort, and if after several attempts you can't resolve the tension, honestly, maybe it's just not a good cultural fit on your team.
Sometimes cultural differences CAN be insurmountable enough that it's just not worth the time or emotional energy and both parties would be better served just by parting ways... so do your best and hope it improves, but don't dwell too much on it if it doesn't. It's not easy for anyone to resolve, or we wouldn't have cultural conflicts and wars lol.
It's not clear whether you are working for a Chinese company (like a team of foreigners working for a Chinese corp?) or are you a Western company (based out of where/which culture?)?
What's your team makeup like, outside of this one person? Is it cross-cultural from many different countries, or are the rest of you all from the same culture and this one person is the odd man out?
If everyone else is from the same culture, maybe you can use that as an excuse and gently approach him 1 on 1, off the record, and not about the problem itself but to just chat about the underlying cultural differences? Maybe even over a beer or some similarly "casual" outing, if your company culture allows for that.
You can start the conversation just with some honest humility: "Hey, I was thinking about our conversation last time, and I realized I don't fully understand your side of the story either. I need your help. It's my first time handling such a situation, and I'm not sure if I understand all the cultural implications here. Will you help me understand? What would happen in your culture with a similar situation? Maybe there are some assumptions I've made in my head, unconsciously, that could use some thought."
There are entire books written on this topic (cross cultural comms and businesses) that might be worth reading/skimming, but they often center around removing blame/fault (it's not any one person or culture who's right or wrong, it's two sides working towards a common goal), nonviolent communications (asserting your own experience but giving the other person room to state theirs, once comfortable, without projecting your own assumptions onto theirs) and then finding common ground with shared needs/desires, etc.
This takes a lot of active listening and empathy, but it might work better than going at it headfirst? Like rather than insisting "you were wrong, why don't you get it, what do we have to do to make you understand", something like "how would this have played out where you were from?", "how do people learn and grow best, in your personal experience?", "what do you think is the best way to resolve this sort of situation?" etc. It's not about blame or who was right or wrong, but in reaching a common understanding that balances the company's needs (like for a certain code style or whatever) with individual needs for dignity, self-respect, etc. Make it collaborative, don't pull rank (i.e. explain the merit of doing things a certain way, rather than just insisting "we do it this way just cuz we do, shut up and listen"). If he asks legitimate questions (like about readability) than address them honestly and patiently.
That is, if you actually value this employee and and a collaborative team culture and don't want him on the defensive. A direct approach may work in other cultures, but if it's not working with this employee and his culture, then don't keep pushing that way if it's just backfiring.
Even the Confucius wise master thing... you can directly address that too. "When I told you these things, it was because that's what worked in my experience. But I'm not always right either, and when I'm not, you should feel free to discuss it. Doesn't matter if I'm your boss or coworker. In my culture we try to emphasize the actual idea over who said it, and it's OK to challenge it. But instead of authority, you have to use evidence to convince the others. It might seem disrespectful at first, but thought of another way, it's also a way of showing respect for the other person's intelligence and reasonableness. From what I know of Chinese culture, it doesn't work quite the same way there. But since we are working in this environment, I don't think we can make the rest of the company and country change their ways, so we have to find some way to work within it. What do you think is a good way to approach that so different teammates can work together effectively despite cultural differences?"
That lays out the issue, acknowledges their need for face (self-respect), but also plays to their collectivist tendencies (we do this for team harmony, not because you're wrong) in a non-judgmental way. This isn't just a cop-out feel-good reply, but an honest rethinking of the situation: is this person slow because he's just a bad worker (you don't know that yet) or is he being slowed down by a cultural misunderstanding that, once resolved, could boost productivity and morale for the whole team?
Keep in mind that as in any culture, individual differences still apply and there's no guarantee such a strategy will work. A humble person might appreciate your time and candor. A proud person might feel it to be condescending. But at the end of the day all you can do is give it a good-faith effort, and if after several attempts you can't resolve the tension, honestly, maybe it's just not a good cultural fit on your team.
Sometimes cultural differences CAN be insurmountable enough that it's just not worth the time or emotional energy and both parties would be better served just by parting ways... so do your best and hope it improves, but don't dwell too much on it if it doesn't. It's not easy for anyone to resolve, or we wouldn't have cultural conflicts and wars lol.