Well, it turns out getting the name of the current WiFi network is near impossible. There are four different ways for four different ranges of Android versions, the most recent of which plain doesn't work on my phone.
Somewhere down the line the greedy tracking on mobile apps has gotten so bad that even Google wants to make sure their users know they're being tracked. Without a permanent notification and a permission you can't grant in a popup, you're just not getting the WiFi name.
I completely understand why they changed the API and I'll even agree with the most recent incantation, but the state of mobile app development has become truly deplorabele because of tracking companies and everyone must now suffer the consequences.
https://micahflee.com/2013/07/use-android-youre-probably-giv...
The only way was turning on some enterprise mode most home routers don't have, I think because they didn't want to get sued for leaking company passwords.