Funny; this is exactly what I was thinking OP needs to hear.
How do you know the OP is toxic? Is it because they are jaded by the amount of times they have told product / architect on the actual implications but have been ignored?
We've lost how things should work.
Is all that matters the design, the idea of a feature or the architecture diagram and ignore everything in practice? Everything sounds good in theory.
I've seen way too many product owners add features without understanding the implications and no 1 from engineer has the power to stop it. When it blows up the engineers get blamed even if they've made enough noise.
If you were building a house, it'd crash and lives would die. Real architects are way more responsible.
Why don't you think about why we've come to this state? There are multiple comments agreeing with the OP and we've all experienced it. The manager considers engineering as a "resource" and whether we're backend, frontend or whatever we're all the same and can do the same work. If there's a crunch just throw more "resources" at it, right?
No! It doesn't work like that.
If you approach work as a zero sum game that you’re participating in against your co-workers then you’ll be deeply unhappy wherever you go, and you’ll be a toxic force in the workplace. Work is collaborative, work has a purpose, work is about contributing to the greater good, work is more than the sum of its parts, work is about creating value.
There’s no shame in being someone who doesn’t work well with others, and you’re under no obligation to change, but it’s your responsibility to find an environment where you’re either a positive or at worst, a neutral force. Choosing to work in jobs that make you deeply unhappy is irresponsible and unfair on those around you. If you find working with product managers to be a miserable experience filled with frustration and resentment, then the responsible thing to do is to remove yourself from that situation. Find a job within a company that uses a structure that’s a better fit for you, don’t drag people down.
I won’t preach to you about how important collaboration is, or how much you’re missing out on by operating with this toxic attitude, but I will say that the problems you’re facing have nothing to do with software engineering or product management, they’re human problems.
Running your own software consultancy can be an amazing and rewarding experience that presents new opportunities for growth and new intellectually-stimulating challenges, it’s an experience you may love, but it’s absolutely crucial to understand that human interaction scales with responsibility, and running your own company (even with just yourself) has a lot of responsibility.
I think your final paragraph shows that deep down you know that you’re the cause of these challenges at work. Maybe the problem isn’t work related at all, maybe the frustration at work is a symptom of the real problem, like being unhappy in yourself, maybe the solution is actually therapy or maybe you’re burned out and need a break.
Ultimately, as software engineers, we are very privileged to earn great money and have far more respect / autonomy / trust than most others in the workplace, and so the ball is in your court. If you think your co-workers are the problem, quit. Don’t waste your life stewing in misery, you’re better than that.