Yeah the whole "ok but why do I respond like that?" is a massive focus now that I've realised there are all these internal rules I've been following since early teens and possibly even younger.

I'll absolutely give that a look into, thank you!

Also for nerds who have yet to consider it: CBT is like debugging code, except the code is your brain. I'd highly recommend looking into it where possible, especially if you are opposed or wary of the "and how does that make you feel?" style of therapy. Fascinating field, and quite helpful for me so far.

Thanks for sharing 'distraction is just running away from a feeling.' It puts my experience into words succinctly without giving a root cause to why I might feel that feeling. Separately sometimes I can find a period of my life that seems to explain why I act the way I do but I'm also not confident in my memory to know if it was happening before hand or if I'm just associating two things that are only slightly related.

For example: I tend to be a very self deprecating individual because I like to laugh and hang out with people who say silly things but I also use it as a crutch to avoid accidentally offending people. I went to a very bad college and so was considered very good at academics while there and may have developed this then to fit in. I could also have developed it growing up because it was a way to laugh off mistakes. I could also just like the sense of humor. Heck even this statement I'm replying to that I like so much I'm certain I've heard it and resonated with it before but have just lost focus of it over time.

Anyway thanks again for sharing, it has helped refined my thinking.