I used to use jed instead of nano for quick edits, but same idea really. Then one day I realized that "emacs -nw -Q" starts subjectively instantly, and is also immune to a borked configuration ("-Q" skips it). So I just created a short alias for it and use it. Bonus: one can always load all the configuration later if needed.

That doesn't solve point 1 obviously, but then that's never been an issue for me: emacs is always where I need it, and then there's always TRAMP.