Thank you! I've only begun to put the pieces in the last couple of years while trying to figure out why my behavior is the way it is. Haven't made a ton of progress, but knowledge feels like a good first step. Planning to try to find a therapist, but one of the challenges is that many people in this position apparently avoid therapy, because they fear empathizing too much with the therapist, rather than focusing on themselves. It's rooted in a fear of enmeshment, and it's also why there's very little research about schizoid personality disorder, because those people generally avoid therapy. I suspect I may have SPD, but I don't want to self diagnose (and it's maybe too simple to label complex behaviors like this with one label anyway).

That makes sense, thanks for the insight. I’ve had similar concerns in the past and it seems when I stuck with licensed workers (licensed social workers, clinical psychologists, and psychiatrists) they seemed well trained to wall themselves off emotionally from me (refuse to give personal information, refuse to visibly react to things I say, very careful when expressing an opinion, refuses to suggest an interpretation of who I am or who they are). It’s also apparently deeply unprofessional to be unable to avoid enmeshment, including the responsibility of referring a client away from oneself if one notices too much emotional closeness. I’m not saying this to convince you either way but I hope this data is useful to you. Thanks for your vulnerability in talking openly about this.

That does help give me more confidence in pursuing therapy, thank you.

Sometimes I run through imaginary scenarios about how interactions with a therapist would go, and it always ends up with me worrying about them, feeling like I'm overwhelming them with my problems, causing them extra grief when their life probably sucks too, etc. It helps to know good licensed workers should be trained to help the patient avoid feeling like that. I probably would anyway, but that kind of maladaptive thinking is the exact reason I want to try therapy anyway...

Congrats on your progress so far :) This stuff is very difficult and it takes a lot of courage to face these things.

I believe high empathy has contributed to some of my difficulties. I've tried therapy a few times before without much luck. Recently I've found a therapist who has helped me immensely. We have a good connection, which is very important. She also uses somatic approaches, with I think is more effective for people who need help working with and processing their emotions. It also seems to be better than standard talk therapy when working with trauma.

Somatic therapy might be helpful for you :) And make sure you feel comfortable and safe with your therapist.

You're a person to be loved, not a problem to be solved.

Thank you, this actually means a lot.