I think we are on the same page. A parent has a mental model of the world and the kid inside it. Based on this model the parent makes projections and take actions. The problem is this mental model which never the same between the parent and the kid.

> Or, to put it another way, what is best for the actual kid, not what would be best for the parents if they were in the kid's position.

Most parents act in the best interest of a kid, not themselves. The outcome varies because parents model of the world usually flawed in many ways and they actually make bad decision thinking they have made good ones. E.g. my friend is obsessed with pre-school development. This is likely because she perceive herself as not smart and wants her son to be smart. She force her son to exercise, he can read and do some math at the age of 3. Long term this is bad for the kid. Unfortunately she cannot realize this. Doing so would require a level of knowledge and self-awareness she does not have. I her eyes she makes perfect decisions.