> I now have children who I love with all my heart. I cannot fathom inflicting such suffering upon them - or anyone else, for that matter. I will never be able to entrust them to the care of close family or friends. It's a constant internal struggle when they ask about sleepovers with friends. Such trivial things as "going over to someone's house" trigger immense uncertainty and fear, which I do my best to not burden my children with. I don't know if I will ever truly be able to shed the thick cloak of cynicism - largely a defense mechanism - that has and continues to impede my ability to relate meaningfully to the world and the people around me.

My heart aches because you sound so much like my mother.

What I will say is that as her child, one thing I appreciated so much is that I never had to worry if my parents would believe me if something happened. Your kids will have you always in their corner and that makes such, such, such a difference. So much of my mother's turmoil is related to her mother not believing her + the victim-blaming. You're helping and shielding your kids just by being who you are, even if you don't want to worry them.