it's not traditional masking for me when i do this, i find it to be more of a limit to my ability to control the abuse responses I have. i'm not trying to 'pass' as a normal person, i'm trying to prevent myself from being the monster that raised me.

when i get exhausted by it, i too can crack! luckily it's gotten better, and i now just kinda sit in my abuse response. knowing that keeping my cool is the only thing that can prevent my parents generational trauma being passed on.

it's exhausting, and you're doing a great job to be able to recognize it! i too started my journey with a list of situations in which i got shitty like you have, and ended it realizing i just need those in my life to give me the same pass i give them if i regress. good luck to you on finding a solution that helps!