New Yorker writers are masters of their craft, so unless you have decades of experience professionally editing and writing, I recommend giving the piece at least a second chance.

That said, I also skipped over tons of passages, for example, the laundry list of energy supplements. I read for different reasons on my phone, compared to when I’m reading a physical copy of the New Yorker. On my phone, I’m rapidly skimming tons of articles searching for interesting facts, which just isn’t suited for reading the New Yorker’s beautiful long-form style.

Yes. It's called literary nonfiction and many people enjoy it.

There's a funny irony here in your suggestion that the New Yorker writers have, in a sort of solipsistic error, forgotten to write for anyone but themselves. In fact, I'd suggest that it's you who have forgotten that not everyone (even on HN, it would seem) shares your tastes!

That's not to say that this piece is an ideal example of the craft. But there will be plenty of readers who appreciate it.

Read it and thoroughly enjoyed it.