The signals I get are weird. Sometimes I feel guilty for not getting enough work done so I compensate by doing chores or other low-priority things.

I’m going to try my best to power through. Mostly because I think I can get through it, but also for financial reasons. I might DM you about that call if I remember tomorrow. I’ve been honest about what I’m going through when I talk to friends, but none seem to understand what it’s like. I really appreciate the offer.

No pressure, I just want to let you know the option is there if you want it (and that counts for other HN users as well). Contact details are in my profile.

I recognize the guilt feelings. Be careful of vicious cycles related to this. For me feeling guilty about not being productive or honoring commitments was a huge factor in not being able to sleep. And not being able to sleep well impacted productivity the next day, leading to more guilt feelings and less sleep. At some point social activity can be impacted as well leading to isolation.

Totally. It's a negative feedback loop. I need an efficient circuit breaker and the only thing I can really think of is Nike's "just do it." Why is it so hard? Feels like I'm hitting a wall. I've watched this video several times https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Uo08uS904Rg and it helped me understand what part of the problem was, but it's still been hard getting things going. It might be an inspiration problem. I'm not proud of it, but during this lull I bought Animal Crossing on a whim and logged 200 hours in a month. I was able to wake up early, be super productive in that game with no caffeine and little food. I don't understand.

Funny that you linked that specific video. That video and the concept of the Wall of Awful is something I use a lot when trying to explain my situation to others.

It sounds like motivating yourself to do something you have to do is hard (work), while something you want to do is easy (animal crossing).

It might be helpful to take some time to just sit and reflect on why you’re having trouble starting work. Write down the things that you’re worried about. The bricks in your wall of awful. Write down what you liked about animal crossing, why you spent so much time on it. And notice the differences between both. Is it interest? Challenge? Freedom? External pressure?

Definitely will focus on this tomorrow. I always thought video games were addicting because of the bright lights and pleasant sounds you get from meeting a clearly laid out objective.I remember when I first started coding I went on a similar manic episode. Might be the lack of fulfillment and not doing a great job defining goals/milestones. Oh well, I'll figure it out soon enough. I hope you reach the level of productivity you're aiming for. Thanks to you and everyone else here I feel like I'm on the right track.