- I love to learn lots of ways to do things, btw here's a keyboard way to do what you want, isn't this abundance of choice thrilling, wooo wooo!

- I commisserate with your difficulty comrade, if we're both stuck with using this for reasons we cannot change, here's a pragmatic workaround that might help stave off your desire for vodka another few minutes.

- Stop wanting good trackpad drivers what are you, a loser normie or a girl? Keyboard is the One True Way for smart people(tm), here's a mystery button mash combination to show how smart I am, get with the program and memorise it, there's lots more arbitrary memorisation and gatekeeping where that came from.

- Trackpad drivers, what do you think this is - a house of pleasure and sin?! This is a machine for work and plain and simple tools for cleansing the soul. Let me help you find enlightenment through key combination meditations.

It's about as helpful as telling someone to go shit in the woods when they ask for bidet recommendations.