Re:A Rough Guide to Social Skills for Awkward Smart People
by peteretep on Saturday April 30, 2011 @11:12PM
(#2502207)
> When discussing something with some one there are occasions when I'm genuinely curious as to why they have a certain line of reasoning. I want to ask "why do you think that?" but it always comes off condescending.
The degree of condescension perceived here is going to be a function of /how/ you ask; but also realize that people often don't have good answers for their reasoning or can't articulate them well.
If I'm going to delve in to someone's reasoning, I'll start with "that's interesting" - said as genuinely as possible. I want someone to think I'm asking because I'm /interested/, not because I'm trying to prove them wrong. I'll normally then start to ask them questions about their reasoning, rather than ask them for the reasoning straight out: "So does x mean that y is also true?" or similar. A small amount of prodding like this, and they will usually start to talk. People fundamentally consider their views and opinions to be both important and interesting - if you can /show/ interest in them, rather than worrying them that you've about to prove them wrong, then you'll get traction.
> Is there a method/statement for suggesting an attempt at becoming friends with some one? "Hey, want to be friends" is unutterable for me. No matter how I imagine saying that line it feels pathetic. If I don't drink beer or coffee is there anything else to ask someone out to do in order to have some bonding time?
I always use "Hey, are you on Facebook?" Facebook is a great way of making low-pressure bonds with people, although you'll have needed to build sufficient rapport first. Invite people to come to an event that you want to attend, that you think they'd be interested in. After the first few meets, it'll be way more normal to "just hang out" but people often want an excuse at first, so they're not worried it'll be awkward.
> How to accept a compliment. Thanks or agreement feels egotistical. Trying to act as humble by playing it down doesn't seem to be received well either.
Big smile, and "you're very kind". Then people don't know if you agreed, or you were being humble! Social win through obscurity :)
The degree of condescension perceived here is going to be a function of /how/ you ask; but also realize that people often don't have good answers for their reasoning or can't articulate them well.
If I'm going to delve in to someone's reasoning, I'll start with "that's interesting" - said as genuinely as possible. I want someone to think I'm asking because I'm /interested/, not because I'm trying to prove them wrong. I'll normally then start to ask them questions about their reasoning, rather than ask them for the reasoning straight out: "So does x mean that y is also true?" or similar. A small amount of prodding like this, and they will usually start to talk. People fundamentally consider their views and opinions to be both important and interesting - if you can /show/ interest in them, rather than worrying them that you've about to prove them wrong, then you'll get traction.
> Is there a method/statement for suggesting an attempt at becoming friends with some one? "Hey, want to be friends" is unutterable for me. No matter how I imagine saying that line it feels pathetic. If I don't drink beer or coffee is there anything else to ask someone out to do in order to have some bonding time?
I always use "Hey, are you on Facebook?" Facebook is a great way of making low-pressure bonds with people, although you'll have needed to build sufficient rapport first. Invite people to come to an event that you want to attend, that you think they'd be interested in. After the first few meets, it'll be way more normal to "just hang out" but people often want an excuse at first, so they're not worried it'll be awkward.
> How to accept a compliment. Thanks or agreement feels egotistical. Trying to act as humble by playing it down doesn't seem to be received well either.
Big smile, and "you're very kind". Then people don't know if you agreed, or you were being humble! Social win through obscurity :)