From the article:

>My brother, nine years older than me, cut ties definitively and decisively. When I was 19 years old, he got married, leaving our mother and father behind. While my brother built a new family for himself, he remained close with me. His wife and in-laws welcomed me at every holiday table. I have never faulted my brother for his approach. Some parents commit unforgivable sins. We do not owe our affection to those who share our DNA but have not earned a place in our lives.

The big lesson here is that how your treat your children will be how they end up treating you in your old age.

I was in the same boat as you. A parent's bpd is hard to endure as a child and as I grew up I was always scared that I would inherit this trait. Thankfully I did not. I got to reconnect with my mom in a small way prior to her death and I feel good that I made that effort. I'm still pissed off about all those wasted years but I did what I could. Bpd is a horrible condition. For everyone involved .

But also do your part for the long run. You don’t want to regret talking to your mother when she has passed. That’s also bad for a lot people’s mental health. It’s important to find that balance.

You don't have to "do your part". Your part is living a healthy life. Take whatever steps necessary to make that happen, even if that means cutting contact with your parents.

This is such a toxic, selfish modern view.

For most people, even with shitty parents, your still parents sacrificed for you and raised you. A loyal human would not abandon them without great reason. Cutting contact should be a last resort, even if that means slightly worse mental health for yourself. Yes, you do owe them some minimum of respect and kindness if they showed you the same in raising you. That leads to better outcomes for society.

I’m up voting because I want to hear this side of the argument. I guess your point is that most people’s experience isn’t that bad, and they owe their parents.

Sure, so it can just be a matter of balancing how they treat you and your family vs basic decency and the benefit of merely maintaining contact and having them around as grandparents for your kids. Everyone’s experience and tolerance is different.

I don’t think we necessarily owe our parents. They made the conscious decision to have us and raise us, that ought to be a reward in it self.

I certainly will the best I can for my kids, but I don’t want them to think they owe me anything. This is especially true if I am (unknowingly or unconsciously) treating them or their family very badly.

It’s replies like this that show a total ignorance for mental health and human dignity. You truly have no idea what some people experience inside their own homes and as a result, in their minds. Please do not listen to this person if you are experiencing problems with family. Get help and educate yourself.

I will have to disagree strongly with this. Perhaps you must live through the abuse to understand.

Agreed. He’s totally ignorant. I wish for him to live through things that I experienced and then come back here and write those same things.

This is such a toxic, selfish traditional view.

Your highest duty is to your own self and the people you care about. That may or may not include the people who raised you. You can define and be loyal to family that you choose.

I've been trying to find balance for decades. The other side also has to be capable of stability and balance, which has never been demonstrated as a priority for my mom. It feels as though she is incapable of it.