I want tactile for volume, air conditioning, and lighting. These are the items I need to control while keeping my eyes on the road.

For the Model S/X (and I believe the 3 as well) the roller knob on the left of the steering wheel is tactical volume control, and the one on the right is configurable with tactical buttons to control cabin temperature, screen brightness, fan speed, and a few other things too. Highbeams are controlled by a stalk to the left of the wheel, and I've very rarely needed to set the main headlights to anything other than "auto".

I think if you wanted to own a Tesla and never use the touchscreen while driving, it would be entirely possible although you wouldn't get access to some infotainment features that many other cars don't have anyway. With voice commands, though, a lot of those would work anyway.

You can literally hit the tactile knob on the right of the steering wheel and say, "Turn the heat up to 65" and it will do this. You can say this while keeping your eyes on the road. You can turn up the volume with the left tactile knob on the left side of the steering wheel. The headlights are automatic. Amusingly, you can also say, "My butt is cold" and it will turn on the seat heater in your seat.

Tesla allows you to do all three of the things you stated while keeping your eyes on the road. I can do these things in my Model 3 today.

As others have pointed out, this doesn’t work so well when you have a back seat full of noisy kids.

As others have speculated, we have no reports of this from actual users with noisy kids. Promoting speculation to fact like this is unhelpful.

Implying that I'm not speaking from first hand experience?

That is implied by your phrase "As others have pointed out".

You get tactile for volume. If lighting is automatic, that just leaves ac?

That might not be bad, I haven’t researched it. I had heard at some point that all controls were on the giant tablet.

You must not have heard from an actual Tesla owner.

In the most recent update (last week) virtually everything can be done by voice. You can literally say, “my butt is cold” and it will turn on the seat heater. You can say, “turn up the heat” and it will turn up the heat.

The volume and whatnot can be controlled via the tactile roller knobs on the right and left side of the steering wheel.

AC can be controlled by voice as well. Both the temperature and the direction of the vents.

I mean, I think it's more of a party trick honestly. I set the AC vents once when setting up the car and haven't touched it since. I set the temperature once a season, roughly.

It definitely works way better than you would think. It seems like after most people drive one a little bit they are convinced. (I was.)

Why are you wanting to read messages whilst you are driving?!

It doesn't show any text, it's only Siri doing interactions but it's a quick UX to scroll through and see names and unread.