reply to your edit: (btw, you can click on the timestamp of a comment and reply directly, always) … That's not how it works. If you loose a card, you let the bank deactivate the specific card. The account itself is not permanently compromised by a card. Someone else knowing your "banking info" (= account number) doesn't mean much and is not a reason to close an account.
Option 2: Work out where my nearest police station is, and what time it's open, go to it, wait, fill out whatever crap they make me fill out.
Option 3: Work out where the nearest branch is to me, what time its open, go along, queue up, explain the situation, hope they can do something.
Have you ever considered that most countries don't have banking systems as ass-backwards as the US does?
Who would think, I'm going to start a chain of 1 penny transaction to contact this person at this bank account, and hope they get them before they cancel their bank account because they lost their wallet.
And is this a wallet with cash and a single card with no identifiable information on it? NOTHING else?
EDIT: Because I can't reply below: because they have access to that bank account now. Pretty simple. The card in question is said to have their banking info right on the card, so you close that account and start a new one.