I don't often post here these days but this really stuck out to me and I'm kind of surprised it hasn't yielded any responses. Based on this description, you need to get some help my friend. Depending on your relationship, a reasonable first step may be to talk to your wife about this. If you don't know what to tell her exactly, point her to this comment. There are professionals and there's no shame in utilizing them to become the best version of yourself. Good luck :)

Thank you much for your thoughtful suggestion. I have to get a lot of things in order.

I also wanted to comment here. Cheering you on. Working with a professional has been the biggest relief for me. It's absolutely worth the money if you can afford it (and you can always ask if therapists could offer "sliding scale" meaning they charge less for folks that can't afford the full price). I went on Psychology Today's website and used their listing of therapists. It was scary emailing the first one but I did it and I showed up to the appointment. Now years later I am no longer drinking and have all sorts of tools for my anxiety. You can do this.