> I imagined vividly to be socially excluded at points in my life since that would be my plan B (great plan, I know, I gamble a bit with my life from time to time as I don’t see a better option).

I am having trouble understanding this sentence.

You plan B was to be socially excluded? Surely you plan B had a different goal, and exclusion was a side effect? Was was plan A?

Why did you imagine being excluded vividly? Were you actually being excluded?