If you're concerned about this, you really shouldn't read up on the actual "forensics" the FBI did in the past, like "hair analysis", because it will ruin your day:

https://www.fbi.gov/news/pressrel/press-releases/fbi-testimo...

Or "bite mark analysis" (don't google that, it will ruin your day as well).

Is there a proper response to this other than just banging your head against a desktop until you're blissfully unconscious? I can't think of any other response that would properly articulate my response to skimming that article.

You can ask the Phantom of Heilbronn once you find her: https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Phantom_of_Heilbronn

I am sure, she has valuable input, seeing she is a criminal mastermind who avoided capture for a cool 15+ years.

You should worry. Nearly the entire field of criminology is pseudoscience. Few techniques employed during the 20th century have stood up to scientific investigation which is because they were never developed scientifically in the first place. It's simply a veneer of science promulgated by those who haven't actually understood the scientific method.