What I want to know is why years into its existence, Android still can't stop waking up the screen for no reason, with no notification displaying. Whatever app(s) is doing this can still keep doing it to this day, on my #2 poop OnePlus. So clearly it can't be that bad.

Lock em down. App developers are terrible and have no taste. Y'all had years to make these devices useful and failed. Instead it's all cloud idiocy.