[1] is the monthly meeting notes, and while I haven't had a need to visit one and confirm, they certainly appear to be open to interested parties, not just an invite-only group.
(I recently proposed something controversial [2] in an attempt to try and get predictable consistent behavior on a certain thing across all platforms, which is when I learned about this from someone telling me they discussed it there.)
ZoL also maintains their own list of upstream (e.g. openzfs) commits and what their status is of landing in ZoL. [3]
[1] - https://docs.google.com/document/d/1w2jv2XVYFmBVvG1EGf-9A5HB...
[2] - https://openzfs.topicbox.com/groups/developer/T04955dd2e8aa4...
I suppose you could argue for having a single, explicitly OS-independent "upstream repository" rather than treating either Illumos or ZoL as upstream? I doubt there are enough developers who would want to work on ZFS generically rather than ZFS in the context of a particular OS. ZoL maintains a clear separation from Linux proper for licensing reasons so I'd think they're "independent enough" to serve as upstream for non-Linux versions.
That would neatly solve the issue of ZoL patches never making it back to Illumos.
Why would that be? Lack of interest on sending them upstream or them being sent but never merged back?