Not disagreeing with you, and those are all "noob problems" from my perspective as I've done all of those things wrong before myself, and I myself am a noob. But they are some actually very complex problems (and you can even have them on your managed platforms once in a while, too.)

Self-healing is great when it works, and those items you listed are all real problems. But they are not problems that you should expect to encounter on a managed service, at least hopefully not more than once. (YMMV, amiright?)