I had a good friend who just had open "hang out" time every day after work in his garage. There was a group of about 30 friends who might stop by any time between 5 and 8 PM, have a beer, hang out and BS. Sometimes it was just Paul and 1 or 2 others, sometimes 15 people showed up, sometimes Paul wasn't even there, but the garage was always open (if you had the code). I used to go almost every day between work and home, it's how i made about half the friends I have now. It was also where weekend plans got made and many a hunting/fishing/camping trip got planned there.

That's over now and I really miss it. Buddy had some health problems and ended up with an overwhelming opiate addiction and just stopped hanging out with anyone. Some of the friends still get together for a weekend poker game but it's not the same. It was so cool to have a place you could go hang out after work where you knew everyone was fun to be around and they liked having you around. You never know who would be there or what the conversation would be but it was always a good time.

I've tried to get the same thing going myself, but have never been successful. I'm not sure how you get that started. Once it's going, it's self-sustaining, but you have to reach a critical mass of participants and has to occur really regularly, even daily. I think maybe it takes a very specific kind of person to be the host.

Anyway, that's what the OP's campfire analogy made me think of. I really miss it...

I feel like I have this setup. For the last 3 years, I’ve been going to a cafe in downtown SF. Over the course of this time, I’ve met people who’ve become best friends, roommates, ppl to do side projects with and much more. Friends know if they want to talk to me they can very reliably just walk in and find me there 8/10 times.

The cool thing about this set up is that you make new friends on a rolling basis which is key because friends you hang with will occasionally move elsewhere or change lifestyles. Over the course of the 3 years, I think the following implicit principles have worked really well:

- We have no expectations of finding each other.

- We don’t make plans.

- On the rare occasion that we make plans, it is very informal. You’re free to flake / be late without being nagged or feeling like you’ve someone waiting on you (they aren’t.)

- Very concrete plans are reserved for events (sad and happy) like a breakup or career chat — in those cases, I’ll make sure to be there at the time I expect the friend.

The happiest guy I know has this exact setup at his place. It’s a group of about 15 people of which at least 5-6 show up daily to have a beer, plays cards, and generally pass the evening hours.

Coming from a fast paced corporate world, it’s a uniquely beautiful experience.

> I've tried to get the same thing going myself, but have never been successful. I'm not sure how you get that started. Once it's going, it's self-sustaining, but you have to reach a critical mass of participants and has to occur really regularly, even daily. I think maybe it takes a very specific kind of person to be the host.

You don't need to be the host. Indeed, the host can be some organization. A place of worship, if that appeals. Or a Unitarian "Church", if you're not religious. Or a hackerspace. Or really, any sort of interest group. Even the neighborhood bar, if it's a good one.

And maybe, once you get to know enough people, you can host parties, and people will show up.

As an atheist, I do envy the religious people their weekly meetups!

It's true. I'm a chuch-goer and have a couple of board gaming groups going from people I met at church. I've met all kinds of people at church that I probably wouldn't have met otherwise. There are computer chip designers, software engineers, accountants, doctors, police officers, a navy seal, a lumber mill operator, professors, scientists, veterans living at the local salvation army center, psychologists, business people, economists, etc.

Trivia works. I go to two trivias (M/W) almost every week. I have a group of about 6 people that show up (random which subset) to each (not the same people) to play on my team, sometimes more (used to be a lot more but some people moved). And the other teams are people I knew before going there or have come to know since starting. Pleasant way to spend a couple hours a couple times a week. A bit of hanging out, a bit of competitive fun, and more hanging out.

Can you just randomly drop in solo or with another person to a trivia night? I've been to a few, but only ever as a sub on an "established" team.

I'm pretty welcoming and gregarious, I have had random people join my team before when they asked (my teammates were less comfortable at first, but relaxed and welcomed them later). This will definitely depend on the crowd. It may be easier to start your own team (or playing solo at the bar) and just start getting to know the other teams for a while first before asking to join them.

It also depends on the location. One is a restaurant, people are generally less welcoming to random folks sitting at their dining table (unfortunately). The other location is a bar. It's much easier to just join a random team. Find 3 people sitting at the bar and ask if you can join them. Or, like the last folks that joined us, find a table with several empty seats and ask to join them.

Join a club for people with common interests. Or find a new interest - I started CrossFit 2 years ago with no prior interest in fitness and to me the social aspect is as important as the fitness aspect, if not moreso.

Of course, there are non religious social activities.

But none that are so completely unforced where you can just show up once a week for no reason and be welcomed. Or so it seems from the outside.

There was a weekly freestyle dance in New York City that I attended, many years ago. In a studio, with a good wood floor, near Broadway and Houston. It was run by a collective, and part of a northeast association, which had summer dance camps. As I recall, it cost $5 at the door, and less if you subscribed. All ages were welcome, even toddlers. Maybe it still exists. And there are many others, for different dance styles.

Meetup.com might have meetups for people you might find you have a lot in common with

Meetup.com has issues. Their recent site redesign pushes people not to be loyal to groups and use it as a "what can it do for me right now" It's killed group identities and there have been a loss of groups. (Orgs have complained very loudly.. but meetup doesn't care)

I've seen this happen in my group and we're looking to see what's next.

For most of us hacker-types, that's a good role for hackerspaces to fulfill!

That sounds like a https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Third_place but without any institution behind it.

Interesting, the list of attributes of a third place sums up the techno scene in my city almost exactly, except I'd say that conversation isn't necessarily the main activity.

The scene is small enough that you always run into the same people every time you're out.

Sucks man, I hope one day he kicks the habit and you guys can hang out again. It's tough seeing things like this.

Yes, it sucks. But I suspect that his reticence about hanging out had more to do with the pain than the opioid addiction. In my experience, opioid addicts can be quite social. At least, when they're not nodding out or in withdrawal. I don't like them much as friends, however, because you'll likely never matter more to them than avoiding withdrawal. Same with alcoholics and other addicts.

I have to imagine there are people who could offer the same “hang out” accommodations and have little or no turnout.

basically, he hosted a clubhouse.

You just described a bar.

How often do you turn up to a bar on your own unplanned, expecting to see friends there?

Back when I used to hang out at bars far too much, quite often. However it probably wasn't the healthiest of behavior.

If you make a bar into your "local", then you can do so whenever you like.

That's pretty much what every local bar is. Have you never seen Cheers... that's what bars are. That's what being a regular is. The other regulars become your friends.

I have known several people who hosted regular casual Wednesday night dinner parties. They were very low-key and generally based around some activity like going to a farmer's market or watching a movie or playing board games. It was generally understood that anyone who was a regular attendee could invite their own guests. So while the parties started with a small group of friends from work, they grew to be a more diverse set of people over time. People would drift in and out and attendance would be different each week.

Although I moved away and don't really keep in touch, I have fond memories of those get-togethers and still consider the people I met at those parties friends. I really like the analogy of a campfire for something like this. All it takes to start a little community is one person to provide a regular meeting place, something to do, and, crucially, some food.

Exactly. Here in SV, there is the Monday Night Pizza Klatch that is exactly that -- a group of geeks get together to be with like-minded geeks and eat pizza. It's been going for probably a decade or so now; and sometimes various famous and semi-famous SV geeks float in.

I much like u/modeless had a similar experience. I personally really like board games and would host or facilitate weekly board game nights.

To be more specific:

- Do you find/make friends ("campers"?) differently?

No, I just have space and time during the week where people pass through or remain for a season of life (or more). I still make acquaintances doing other activities in my life which grow into friendships at varied depths.

- Would they consider you a friend, or are these relationships more broad with less depth?

I would say all of the above, it depends on what you're defining as a friend. If everyone that isn't a stranger is your friend. Yes, I imagine so. I personally would say that I have made several friends who bring in people who are friends of friends, so an acquaintance to me at least initially. I also have the occasional person whom I invite from another part of my life that I don't feel stranger-danger about being in my home.

- How does maintaining the fire relate to maintaining friendships?

If they're present, then it's a bonding activity. If they're not, it's something that they've bonded over.

- Are you just a support person handing out favors with little expectation of reciprocity?

I'm not the guy that pumps your gas, if that is what you're asking.

Yes that was what I was wondering too.