Ok that fits me pretty much. I’ve been feeling like this for decades.

Thank you for your comment.

You're welcome. The tricky thing is that it doesn't feel like a disorder, and reluctance to see a professional is what makes it especially hard to treat. Once you do the first step, though, everything starts to become a bit easier. So please see someone. I promise it'll be better.

you must, must, MUST talk to a health professional. Even if you just walk to the nearest hospital or clinic and describe your symptoms and ask for a referral. This is not due to your life choices, or your personality, or your individual philosophy. This is not a healthy way to feel, but you cannot feel any differently because of this illness. This illness CAN be treated. You do not need to feel this way. There is no truth in the way you feel now, and this weight CAN be lifted off your shoulders.

Please, please, talk to a doctor.

This. You might want to read http://slatestarcodex.com/2018/03/22/navigating-and-or-avoid... how to do it.