Wow I started reading it and it rings true enough that honestly I don't want to think about it too much and I stopped reading. Maybe we are on a spectrum and I and towards that end but not completely without the ability to have fantasies. It reminds me of thinking about either (a) what happens when I die and simply cease to exist or equally terrifying (b) eternity is real and I go on living forever. These are just not fun places for me to go in my thoughts.