To anyone with fear of being creepy: my good friend shared a video with me recently on vulnerability. It forced me to rewire my brain:

https://www.ted.com/talks/brene_brown_on_vulnerability

One item I'd add to the article on being charming: be vulnerable. Vulnerability is relatable, it's genuine.

If you are out of your cultural element, you can cross the line into apparent insincerity with surprising ease. Always know thyself.

I have seen babies learn to walk, they don't get it the first, or the fifth time, but their parents encourage them, and most learn it.

However social skills are a completely different beast: here we just accept it as whatever you happen to learn is whatever level you will just have to live with.

Winks awkwardly

That is how the French talk. It always seems like they are telling you a story.

Is it fair for the less charming people to be at a permanent disadvantage? Or does being conscious of what is for others unconscious make one automatically manipulative? What if after a few months or years of intential charm, it became automatic?

Compare it to being a poor driver that is unknowingly causing stress and danger to fellow drivers. They take a course in defensive driving and consciously learn a few techniques like counting the distance between them the vehicle in front, not passing in the right lane, anticipating red lights, etc. After a couple of years of consciously driving like this these habits become automatic and traffic around them functions more smoothly. Practicing social skills is more like this than you probably think.

Learning how to write clearly and persuasively is another example that one could dismiss as manipulative at their own peril.

I see charm as a way to make connections with others (which is awesome!). It's also crazy fun to inflect your voice. Everyone has a better time when you're okay being silly.

Would you treat a new acquaintance like they had the plague? Probably not. Is it manipulative to be nice to someone? I don't think so. Being silly with inflection, or using any of the tools described in the article, for me is just another way to relate to others.

I won't deny some may use the tools for manipulation - but the practice isn't inherently manipulative in my opinion.

Thanks for this. It's interesting to see that the main comment threads are:

- how interrogations leverage psychological manipulation to divulge information - how to use verbal and visual tricks - tabeth pointing out how people perceive social interactions as insincere

Yet a lot of people claim that it's ok to deploy psychological manipulation when your intentions are "good".

It's been said that the end doesn't justify the means.