It's false that you have to be a sysadmin to run Linux, and the users here know it perfectly well. There hasn't been a laptop (or desktop for that matter) I owned in the past ~8 years that hasn't worked flawlessly out of the box on the latest Ubuntu/Linux Mint (granted, with the exception of dedicated GPU drivers). And I got everything you mentioned: slick UX, good drivers, auto updates, fast boot on SSD. Granted, no integration with Google services, and I consider that a feature. I also have this little extra:

Owning my computer, as opposed to paying for it to be controlled by Our Benevolent Overlords.