See [1] "The Mindlessness of Ostensibly Thoughtful Action: The Role of `Placebic` Information in Interpersonal Interaction".
> Langer had people request to break in on a line of people waiting to use a busy copy machine on a college campus. The researchers had the people use three different, carefully worded requests to break in line:
> “Excuse me, I have 5 pages. May I use the xerox machine?” [60% compliance]
> “Excuse me, I have 5 pages. May I use the xerox machine, because I have to make copies?” [93% compliance]
> “Excuse me, I have 5 pages. May I use the xerox machine, because I’m in a rush?” [94% compliance]
> Using the word “because” and giving a reason resulted in significantly more compliance. This was true even when the reason was not very compelling (“because I have to make copies"). The researchers hypothesize that people go on “automatic” behavior or “mindlessness” as a form of a heuristic, or short-cut. And hearing the word “because” followed by a reason (no matter how lame the reason is), causes us to comply.
So, maybe:
"Can you just take on $LARGE_TASK?" -> "No, because $RANDOM. But I can put you in contact with X, because $RANDOM"
"Can you fix dinner?" -> "No, because $RANDOM. Maybe we can cook something together after?"
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[1] https://jamesclear.com/wp-content/uploads/2015/03/copy-machi...
At what point is using this kind of method just clever, and at what point is it highly manipulative and antisocial?
In the "no, but" approach, I see no harm in it - compliance does not result in a negative result for the other person. You're not going to do it anyway, but they're going to feel better about it than just a simple "no".
In "because I have to make copies"... your call. I wouldn't, because I'd consider this improving my result at the expense of yours.
I.e "Can you just take on $LARGE_TASK?" -> "No, I'm currently overbooked. But I can put you in contact with X, who might be able to help"
"Can you fix dinner?" -> "No, I need to wrap this up. Maybe we can cook something together after?"
It doesn't always work - sometimes a plain no is really called for - but in many cases, it takes off the pressure of flatly declining.