As a "recovering" shy person, what helped me was the following Frame: we care. We really really care to get things right and we expect that others will have the same standards. This can apply to everything, be it professional, artistic, social, political

The key for me to overcome that was:

* Desensitizing myself. Fake it till you make it works

* Take note and log how much people actually care if you put yourself out there and make a mistake. Hint: not a lot

* Work on finding where exactly ego is too large and fragile. This is often for brainy people the "i can't just say anything, it needs to be perfect" trap

Viewing these things as a process which can be practiced word immensely well for me. But it is very hard to get started, not gonna lie. I got a kick towards it through emotional trauma

Most people don't realize there's a difference between shyness and introversion.

Shyness implies you want to interact with people but some sort of anxiety is blocking you. I'd say the majority of "introverts" are just extroverts with social anxiety or lack of self-esteem.

> Most people don't realize there's a difference between shyness and introversion.

This is clear from a lot of the comments here. A person can prefer solitude (i.e. be introverted) and still carry on just fine in social situations without anxiety (i.e. shyness).

In writing about his own introversion, I think Thoreau summarized it well:

"To be in company, even with the best, is soon wearisome and dissipating. I love to be alone. I never found the companion that was so companionable as solitude."

I agree to a degree, I too am a fairly shy person and it does suck, especially when you're trying to find a significant other. However, I also hate being told that I'm shy or quiet, it's almost humiliating, especially if I'm told that when I've opened up a bit. I do think there are some positive aspects to being shy, but, at least in American society I would argue those advantages are less than others.

Being shy myself I know there are positive articles about shyness or introversion in general. They are quite easy to find because there aren't many about them so they easily become fairly popular through HN and the like.

On the contrary implicit negativity about shyness is something I experience on a regular base and I'm rather getting wary of that. At work people take it as an excuse to not listen and only think about their own opinion. I mean many people don't listen no matter if you say something or not. (By the way, the book 'Just Listen' is a great read about that) So in the workplace it's very convenient to promote extroverted and openly aggressive people to management and let them manage 'shy people' who are not whining so much.

One thing I have realized is that it depends who you meet or work with whether they understand you or not. When something is wrong, some people see that in my face without me having to tell lengthy monologues. Also I don't get how an extroverted person is going to say that he or she is not getting any air. On the other hand since recently I'm seriously starting to wonder if extroverted people can ever do any programming tasks.

So do extroverted people have to stop talking if they want to become excellent programmers? Probably the answer is no but the way we work as developers would have to change.

Being shy sucks, but let's be clear. It doesn't suck because of anything about the shy person. Shy people are fine. Being shy sucks because

1. Our culture strongly values both extraversion and assertive non-shyness. 2. Non-shy people will go out of their way to make shyness suck.

Don't put the blame on shy people (including yourself). That's just internalized victim-blaming.

While I see somewhat where you are coming from, I'm not sure I agree. I think there are a lot of people who would be very interested to know more about me and get information about my ideas and feelings, but my social anxiety is preventing them from getting to know me. I'm not really blaming myself that I have social anxiety, but at the same time I don't think that "society" is beating me down to keep me shy.

Imho we need more shy people. Too many express every little detail of their lives. When a shy person speaks up you know they have put thought into what they are about to say. You take the shy person far more seriously than the twitter fanatic, every word more vapid than the last. If being shy makes you more careful with your words, that isn't a fault.

I think you are confusing shyness and introversion. Introversion is when you don't feel the urge to talk, to act unless it's important or valuable. Shyness is when you want to talk, you want to act, you want to introduce yourself to that person, but you are unable to do it because anxiety kicks in. Actually the more thought you have put into what you want to say, the more it's important to you and the more emotionally involved you are, the more you are afraid to be misunderstood or rejected and the more you are likely to shut up. So a lot of shy people, when they get to talk, will often stay at the level of useless small talk because it feels safer.

Western culture certainly values too much extroversion, it should certainly be more kind to shy people, but in my opinion shyness is not something to celebrate, it's really handicapping in a lot of matters important in life and it doesn't bring anything to anyone.

Not necessarily. If a shy person does speak up, you know that they've put a lot of effort into doing so. Therefore what they have to say is important, at least to them.

Although shyness and introversion are not the same thing, I think they are closely linked. I am introverted and shy. Because I am introverted, I do not often seek out the company of others, and conversation does not come naturally to me. I am painfully aware that I am not good at conversation, and that becomes foremost in my mind when I anticipate engaging in one. It's like joining a hockey game when you are not a good skater. You just know that all the other players are going to notice how good you are not, and that you being there is making it less fun for everybody else. This anxiety causes you to avoid playing hockey, which just makes the situation worse because you never practice.

What you're saying sounds more like social anxiety than shyness. There's a difference between the two and shyness is more about being bit overwhelmed of new social situations than to be afraid of them.

That's alright for the other people but it's no use for the shy person themselves. They still won't get ahead like the extrovert who says a lot of crap and people like them for it.

"Being shy sucks"

In some ways it does but it's just a character trait. People who are not shy have their problems too.

On a recent flight I noticed a guy who was being Mr Popular, talking to just about everyone on the plane. When I got off I saw him outside doing the same thing at the bus stop. I got the impression he was a very lonely person who was overcompensating and desperate to make friends with anyone.

I have been called shy but I'm comfortable with that and happy in my own company. I like to talk to people but not just anyone for the sake of it.

The people I get to know tend to like and trust me while accepting that I'll never be the life and soul of the party.

I'd rather be me than the guy on the plane.

That's a false dichotomy; the above example, which opposes narcissism (or similar) to shyness, is a very typical rationalization of the disadvantages of shyness.

In a way, shyness can be interpreted as lacking capacities to handle certain acts/contexts (eg. to communicate to another person if one would like to, and in the way one would like to); having such capacities though, is a necessary condition for their abuse, not a sufficient one.

In my perspective, the opposite of being shy is being socially confident: talking to other people/strangers without fear[s], if one wants. This is different from being a chat machine; abstractly, it's a capacity.

The problem of framing confidence (instead to narcissism and similar) as opposite of shyness, is that it's difficult to accept; nobody would say "I'd rather be me than a confident person".

edit: cleanup of mistakes and repetitions

> In my perspective, the opposite of being shy is being

> socially confident. That is, if one wants, for example,

> talk to a stranger without fear, he/she can do it, if

> he/she wants - which is different from being a chat

> machine. Abstractly, it's a capacity.

Yes and you have to choose wisely who you talk to or maybe even want to become friends with. Evaluating people quickly is crucial to not get mugged, fooled or just to keep a happy mood. So the confidence requires developing some skills in understanding people and also learning in which ways other people read you.

At some point I very boldly neglected a lot of anxieties I have or had myself, for instance being more direct with women or talking openly about "inconvenient truths", especially at work. This worked for me pretty well for some time but at some point not any more. Being someone that really thinks things through, it may be overwhelming for someone else hearing the results of a long thinking process without context. If you do that too often the other person may choose stop listening to you or just get angry. Also on several occasions I ended up being angry myself, ignoring the fact that there are people who just might be interested in using you. It's important to understand why shyness or anxiety is there.

On the other hand, when you are not shy at all, talk about every little thing, it may get very difficult to become proficient in an engineering discipline. Memorizing things is tough, the best known methods to do that involve being on your own. Asking questions all the time may distract or even annoy your colleagues that work concentrated by themselves.

> That's a false dichotomy; the above example, which opposes narcissism (or similar) to shyness,

> is a very typical rationalization of the disadvantages of shyness.

I knew a guy who basically had this engineering background and I bet when he was younger, he was likely quite shy. So he was super open, talking to literally everyone and often making jokes. When I met him the first time he seemed really charismatic, fun and basically also someone I could learn something from. But at some point I realized that he virtually had no friends and also failed to truly listen and understand other people and their perspective. It was quite sad because he is an alcoholic. He might lead a happier life being more shy.

I think the topic is more than "shyness is good/problematic/bad" or "extroversion is great/not so important". It's basically a rabbit hole to the inner workings of society and work places.

> (although to be clear, shyness and introversion are absolutely not the same thing)

Yes! I am a bit time introvert, I can appear shy due to anxiety and my introversion but I'm not shy. I talk to strangers all the time without trouble. I am perfectly willing to stand in front of people and act a fool (do tech talks). I'm not all that shy, but I need my me time, like 70% of my waking hours needs to be alone time.