Hey, come and tell my bank in Cyprus. I am getting ripped off for literally hundreds of euros in fees every month on SEPA charges. I actually looked into this when they were finally forced to offer SEPA (still a hidden thing in their online banking) transfers, and I noticed they charge the same as for SWIFT. When I brought it up they said "if you make a big deal about it we will close your account"

Where does it say that? EC 924/2009 only says that the cost for a cross-border transfer must be the same as a corresponding national transfer, not that it must be a fixed amount. Furthermore, it leaves at the discretion of the national regular what a "corresponding transfer" means.

What would be the difference between "the same" and "a fixed amount"? If it is "the same" for all transfers, would that not be a "fixed amount"?

It's not the same for all transfers. It's the same for a cross-border transfer as for an equivalent national transfer. Meaning that they can charge a percentage of the transfer, rather than a fixed amount, as long as they charge the same percentage for a national transfer.